December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a
real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a
hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes
—————————-
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just
imagine two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They
are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
—————————
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I must
protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.
All my love, Agnes
————————–
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now
really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough. You are being
too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
————————–
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five
golden rings, one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
—————————
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six
geese laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again huh? These
geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and
I can’t sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially, Agnes
————————-
December 20, 1972
John:
What’s with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans
a swimming. What kind of joke is this? There’s bird poop all over the house and
they never stop the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck.
It’s not funny. So stop sending those freaking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
————————–
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with
8 maids a milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking,
but they had to bring their cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can’t
move in my own house. Just lay off me, wisenheimer.
Agnes
————————-
December 22, 1972
Hey Bonehead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine
pipers playing. And, man, do they play. They’ve never stopped chasing those
maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and
they’re stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You’ll get yours! Agnes
————————-
December 23, 1972
You rotten jerk:
Now there’s ten ladies dancing. Now the cows can’t
sleep and my living room is a river of feathers and fur. The Commissioner of
Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be
condemned.
I’m calling the police on you! Agnes
————————
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes
McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy
Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially, Law Offices of Dewey, Cheatum & Howe
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In the lead up to
Christmas there are often many concerts being held by orchestras and choirs of
all shapes and sizes from small community centres to large City Town Halls. I
recently heard a brilliant one in Sydney Town Hall with over 300 singers and a
full orchestra. But listening to the music got me thinking – there are so many
things that can happen during a performance, some funny, some awkward, some
embarrassing, if only there was a way to keep a tally of all them.
